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[11 Mar 2009|08:26am] |
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A lot of the time, I'm really sad when I feel like I should be happy.
Sometimes I'm really happy when there isn't really reason.
Right now, I've gotten back the mindset I had in India, and I feel things because I feel things and don't try to justify them. I like this.
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[01 Jan 2009|09:31pm] |
things are hard.
I'm not ready for resolutions yet.
After India.
India will be good.
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[09 Dec 2008|12:35am] |
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I am no longer a teenager.
that feels weird to say.
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[08 Dec 2008|09:50pm] |
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postsecret was amazing.
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[16 Nov 2008|02:59am] |
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I'm getting very tired.
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[02 Nov 2008|11:04pm] |
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I don't like how refreshing happiness is. I wish I felt it more and it wasn't such a surprise.
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| lucky. |
[04 Oct 2008|11:29pm] |
I am blessed. I have a loving family and wonderful friends. I am fortunate. I have enough money to live a comfortable life. I am lucky. I live on a beautiful campus and have inspiring professors.
I need to always remember that nothing could ever really be bad. But sometimes... when I'm really really down, I look at all the good in my life and I feel worse. I feel so guilty for being sad and lonely when I am so lucky.
I am trying. I'm REALLY trying. But I'm having a hard time with this one.
I'm scared. My seizure on Tuesday made the bad feel so much worse. I've been taking less medication, I was going to go off of my meds. I've been afraid of how my medicine effects me... how it may stabilize my moods in a way that... might be necessary.
I needed to know who I really am, so I was going off my meds. My EEG showed that I may be getting better anyway.
Well... as soon as I added some stress and lack of sleep into the picture... the familiar fuzziness returned and I had a seizure in class. And now, I'm back up to my old dose, back to being controlled and stabilized. I slept for the majority of the past four days, and I've been too tired to be as upset as I want to be, as scared and hopeless.
I don't want to be on medication. I really really don't. I feel so unnatural. And with all the potential side-effects and the fact that it's been four years since I started taking this medicine, I have no idea what's me and what's trileptal. And I was finally going to find out, good or bad, who I am, naturally. But now, now the chances of being off medication are lessening by the day. In just over two years, I'll be twenty-two. My brain will be fully developed, and this seizure disorder will officially be a permanent part of me...
But I am blessed. I have a family who would do anything to help me when I am unwell. I am fortunate. I can afford to buy the drugs I need. I am lucky. There is a medication in existance that will stop my seizures.
I have no right to be unhappy.
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[15 Sep 2008|10:47am] |
you make me want to scream, "take a chance on me!"
but then I remember that I don't deserve a chance.
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[31 Aug 2008|10:06pm] |
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nothing ever changes.
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| I don't remember if I care. |
[31 Aug 2008|02:48am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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I'd like to start over. Hit the reset button. Everything is messy. So messy.
I can't decide if my problem is that I think too much or think too little.
I can't figure out if I'm real. I don't think I am. At times I feel nothing, and other times I feel everything all at once. Every emotion I can name, and others I can't identify.
Lately I look in the mirror a lot. Not vanity, curiosity. A lot of the time I really don't feel like Emily. Or I feel like I'm channeling other people's emotions. I'll be happy and then all of a sudden I'll be struck with sorrow that physically hurts. Or I'll be upset then suddenly laughing, but not in a fun way, in a way that makes me look in the mirror and feel scared.
I don't like my life. I hate the person I am. Nothing works out, but I don't deserve for things to. I hurt people. A lot. And I know I'm doing it sometimes. I put on faces just to see if people believe me, or if I believe me. I never believe me. But I don't know the real me.
Sometimes I want someone to punch me because I want to feel the hurt- have a feeling actually fit the scenario. But nothing fits.
Maybe that's why I love acting. On stage, it's supposed to be pretend. But offstage, I'm supposed to care, guide my actions based on feelings. Feel the same emotion for longer than a moment.
I watch what's happening and I think of all the different places the situation could go if I was in control. When I say yes, I'm always thinking no.
I don't remember anything. Ever. If it happened more than a few months ago, I don't know what you're talking about. It scares me. Major people, major milestones yes... but I don't remember what I did on New Years. I don't know remember my last birthday. I don't remember when I meet people. I joke about how I can watch movies several times not realizing I've watched them until theyre almost over. I think about things that happened a week ago and I don't remember any details. Maybe it's my epilepsy... but I don't remember anything from my childhood, only the stories I've heard again and again, the moments captured in pictures.
I think I might be losing it.
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| home is: |
[10 Jun 2008|11:42am] |
babysitting Leif and Augie, playing superheroes and being superwoman
leaving the bathroom with my toothbrush in hand, not fully recognizing that I can leave things in the bathroom now
sunshine
buying one cent stamps and writing tons of letters to my Delaware friends
going to the beach and building a sandcastle
swimming in the pool and floating on rafts
swapping stories
watching movies
going out for ice cream
watching the Celtics with my dad
still not unpacked...
not fully feeling at home.
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[27 May 2008|11:58am] |
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I'm ready for something big.
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[07 Apr 2008|04:37am] |
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GET ME OUT OF THIS FUNK
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| Single. |
[26 Feb 2008|10:23pm] |
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I'm convinced that this past month was a test.
It seems like most everything that could go wrong did.
Yet, I never let myself get torn apart by it.
So I passed the test, I suppose.
I'm proud of the strength I seem to have acquired, and I hope that this semester I will continue to feel like this.
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[19 Nov 2007|10:14pm] |
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I've become nocturnal. The past four days I've slept by day, studied by night. It's... odd... but it's working...
I want to be home now. I have 2 exams tomorrow and then tomorrow night I'm going to the UDEL vs. BC basketball game (probably by myself... since all my friends are going home Tuesday...) but it's probably a good think, since I'll completely just be cheering for BC, because Carolyn Swords kicks ass.
I only have one class on Wednesday and then I fly home at 1 on Wednesday afternoon.
I expect to somehow be able to see EVERYONE the SECOND I get home. Okay!? Okay.
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| stability |
[15 Oct 2007|11:37pm] |
I miss my friends from home, just that sense of people knowing most everything about me, that feeling of not needing to explain.
But I like the fact that the person that everyone here is meeting is the me I am now, not who I was.
Because, I like who I am right now! I hope when I go home everyone can see that, can see the happiness with myself that I've found. I hope no one thinks it's an act, but I understand that some people will, because I put on an act for so long.
I miss LS. A lot. I didn't realize how lucky I was. I can't wait to visit.
Dave is my polar opposite and I don't quite know how to explain the completeness that is us, the wholeness and fulfillment he makes me feel, but it is truly wonderful. I can't wait until every one of you can meet him.
text message from Eli: does the fact that your life is so stable sort of scare you?
yes.
my life is so stable
!
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| delawhere? |
[11 Sep 2007|02:21pm] |
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College is:
Stale cereal without milk
Lines to memorize
Tide-to-Go pens and Febreeze
Tiny spaces
Happy libraries
cool friends and a cute boy
A broken phone
Sharing clothes
having your bed also be a couch and and a table
Microwavable meals tasting amazing
Not-even-close to working AC
Living on the fourth floor where it's as hot as July
phonetics being scary as hell
not missing home but missing my friends and LS
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| the road to Brighton. |
[21 Aug 2007|07:28am] |
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Staying up all night is always interesting.
I have to have an EEG once every 6 months and I'm not allowed to sleep the night before. Usually I keep myself awake till 4 (which isn't so bad) then my mom wakes up and keeps me up until my EEG which is usually at about 9:30. It's not very fun.
But last night was wonderful. First I got to see Jesse for a little bit. Then Eli came over. Soon Amy, Anna and Hannah joined Eli, and then Nick and Kristin came!
And Nick and Eli stayed all night with me. We went to IHOP at 2:30 in the morning. We took an interesting route there, then met some funny people. I've decided to write a book called "the people you meet in the middle of the night." and just go places randomly at 3am and meet people. I've added to the growing list of things that would be wonderful to write about.
At IHOP we met a strange clan of people dressed all in black with piercings and mohawks, who were complete dorks. It was hilarious listening to their conversations. They greeted each other saying, not "Hello" but "Ah-O" and one of the first things we heard them say is "so then he said, 'oh you're diabetic? EAT SOME CAKE' " incredibly loudly. It was quite funny.
We climbed at LS on our way home, and looked at the stars. I thought about how, when you're really tired, everything becomes incredibly simple and incredibly complex at the same time.
At home we watched "Amelie," only both Nick and Eli fell asleep. I woke them at the end of the movie and we went for a walk. It was really neat, when we left it was pitch black, and after we'd been around the block it was bright out. I like sunrises. I think if they weren't so early I would love them.
We got back and curled up on the couch and Eli told me stories. I love Eli Stories. Some people would just say "I bought a dirty couch off some people in Tel Aviv." But Eli tells stories like they're a chapter of a book. Every detail.
I love when a story is longer than the event. It means you're accounting for every emotion and thought process that occured while the event was going on.
Eli went home to sleep and when Nick pointed out that my eyes were starting to close, I said, "My eyes are open in their minds."
I love the semi-conscious state of being almost asleep but actually awake. Where you dream while carrying on conversations. Where you need a few seconds to think before remembering your middle name. I don't remember what Nick and I were talking about but at one point dreams and reality got mixed up and I told nick "You should put those in water."
I'm still awake. I've got a few more hours, but this slightly drunken-with-sleepiness state is slightly pleasant.
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| eek! |
[16 Aug 2007|11:21pm] |
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New computer! New programs! LOVE the new computer, not so crazy about the programs. I’ve been using Microsoft Word ’97 since I first started writing on a computer… when I was eight. It was incredibly outdated and wonderfully simplistic. The toolbar at the top said File, Tools, Paragraph… standard stuff. Microsoft Word 2007, the ten year older program, says “Home, Insert, Page Layout, References, Mailings, Review, View” and I’m like WHAT?! MAILINGS? I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO CREATE A NEW DOCUMENT!!! Worst part: NO MANUAL! So I can’t even LEARN how to use it. And I have a new ITunes, new Internet Explorer and IT’S ALL SO OVERWHELMING! I’M SCARED OF THE NEW TECHNOLOGY!
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| roommate? |
[10 Aug 2007|02:07pm] |
I've been really anxious all week. Compulsively checking the Housing website to see if my roommate and housing has been posted yet.
It was supposed to come out on August 1st.
Then it changed to August 6th.
Then it changed to August 9th.
It finally came out this morning.
And then I couldn't get onto the website, because EVERYONE was trying to log on at the same time.
And when I finally got on...
I'm in a single. A SINGLE. My dad saw and was like "WOW that's AMAZING!" But I saw it and wanted to cry. I want a roommate. I really want a roommate. But I'm in a single. It's the exact same size as my room at home which I find comical.
People keep saying "hey it could work out for the better," but I really don't care, I wanted the experience whether it be good OR bad. I'm a little less excited about school.
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emilitachiquita's journal